Running Toward Love

I came across some information yesterday... about one of my husband's old girlfriends.

No, I am not hunting down all of his past flames...nor do I plan to extinguish them.   And I will leave how I came across this information at the word "innocently." 

In any case, in discovering this information, I was forced into wondering: Why me?

This girl - she could have been where I am now.  In theory, she could have been wearing the ring I have on my left hand.  She could have been the one graced with the love I am privy to.  But for a number of different reasons, her life didn't work out that way.  And the series of events that followed one decision led her into some treacherous territory.

I'll be honest - it really jarred me.  After thinking and talking through some of these thoughts with Jim last night, I spoke aloud to him "Why did God choose me?"  Because the truth is - I don't deserve it.  Some may think I do, but I just finished writing out my autobiography for the adoption home study, and I can tell you unequivocally - I don't.  This amazing husband.  These beautiful children.  The opportunity to be blessed by the gift of a third child.  It breaks me into grateful pieces.  I am no better a woman than this girl was or is and yet here I am with a man who wrings his heart out to serve God and his family, who loves his kids in ways that would make any son jealous, and who bends over backward to know me and love me as I was made to be loved regardless of how many mazes he has to go through to figure out how.

I have behaved like a wretch countless times in my life...countless.  I've abandoned friends, smashed my parents hearts with sharp words, been addicted in ways that hurt everyone around me and people I have never even met, and broken hearts with no thought for anyone but myself.  Yet I stand among the most bighearted, bright-smiled, hopeful and loving children anyone could know... every day.  The blessings in my life are innumerable.

And I don't know why... because I continue to fail them, these miracles in my life.

What I do know is that over and over again, God reaches His arms out to bless me.  And that after all the horrific things I have done, He loves me anyway.  I want to teach my children this truth... I want it to saturate them. I want my children to recognize how wonderfully redeemed their mom and dad are and how no matter what they do in life - the mistakes they make, the people they hurt, the selfish decisions they opt for - they can be redeemed, too.  Every time.  For everything.  No matter what.  His arms are reaching out to bless if only they will fall into them. 

I hope this old flame who shook my world yesterday fully understands this truth... she has a beautiful family now and in that alone is blessed beyond understanding.  I hope she turns her heart to the giver of those blessings again one day.  I hope a flame ignites in her heart again making her more alive than she ever thought possible.  I hope she fully knows her blessings and allows my incomparable God to take the ashes from her life and turn them into unrivaled beauty...and whether here or in the coming age, I look forward to sitting down over finely ground coffee with her and thanking her for helping me to understand further how very blessed I am.  Blessed, indeed.

Hosanna!

Enjoy the new music - let is soak your soul.